Sunday, January 4, 2009

Not Even Optioned

Sorry this became more of a Sunday Evening Noodle. I think you'll enjoy it, though. I present: Not Even Optioned: movies that have not been made, certainly not licensed, in fact, not even a script optioned. And for the first installment I'd like to take a peak at what an anime to live action Hollywood film might look like (sans giant robots or monsters and therefore sans insane CGI) with my version of Lupin III.

So where else to start but with the inimitable Lupin III? You can tell Chris Evans is becoming a Hollywood hero with his roles in Fantastic Four as the hotshot Johnny Storm, and in his upcoming Pusher from DC Wildstorm. His increasing popularity will make this role a step back for him in a few years, thus we'll never get to see him try to pass off frat-boy arrogance for Lupin's weasely charm.

And while we're on that note, playing mild-tempered ace marksman Jigen, will almost certainly be a step back for Mr. Viggo Mortensen who first caught our attention in some ring movie. It might have been the Ring, I just didn't think he had the chops to pull off a creepy 6 year old girls ghost, but hey he can do anything! You saw him in Eastern Promises and David Cronenberg's adaptation of John Wagner's History of Violence. Oh yeah and in that horse movie winnebago or something. Yeah he's probably a little too bad ass to play Jigen.

Does anybody recognize this actor? Why yes it's Asian superstar Takeshi Kitano! Oh wait, no that's the old guy who does the gangster movies. No this is Takeshi Kaneshiro. He's that guy from Wong Kar Wai's Chungking Express and Fallen Angels! Wha? Who is Wong Kar Wai? Sheesh. Nevermind, this is the guy who rescued the blind chick on House of Flying Daggers, yeah, he was Samanosuke Akechi in Onimusha 3. Ohhhh now you know him o_0! Well yeah, he'd be pretty cool as Goemon, plus the chicks who like Asian guys'll dig him. What this movie isn't real?!?

And now my personal favorite casting. There are obvious reasons why Anne Hathaway would make a just perfect breasts . . umm perfect Fujiko. She's got those convincing eyes, sharp wit and poise for a girl so young, no doubt from growing up the daughter of an actress. In addition to that, she just showed us she's got the chops to play a secret agent and go toe to toe with vet comedian Steve Carrell in Get Smart. But after showing us her serious side in Havok and Brokeback Mountain, we can be pretty sure these fun flicks won't come too often in her career. Plus what's an anime? We don't know Anne, but you're swell ^_^@

You know who might actually be cool enough to want to do this movie? Joe Rogan! That's right Joe mothereffin'-eff-fake-comics-who-steal-material Rogan! And I'm still bugging out how dead-on he could match Zenigata's expressions. Of course everybody knows he's too busy proving the moon landing was fake. Drat.

So there you have it. Lupin the Third, the unmade movie. I could go on to pick a director, set designer, soundtrack--but what's the point? It'll never be made. You may now proceed to attack my terrible casting, but first this Anne Hathaway/Fujiko intermission:

oh yeah that's the stuff.

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