Sunday, July 11, 2010

Out of Obligation

Have you ever felt trapped in a situation based on a promise you made or a principle you keep? I'm in one of those right now, and it's not anything new to me. I'm an idealist, after all, and I perceive that good comes out of waiting out, and doing the right thing, and just believing there is good coming even if it is imperceptible. I don't always hold to this belief, but when I do I feel satisfied in the thought alone.

On few occasions I've questioned my resolve, doubted my optimism. I still wonder, if that is the sinister power of doubt, the beginning of a self-fulfilling prophecy, or just stark realism/rationalism settling into the old, weary bones of a skeptic.

Part of the reason I wanted to tackle the subject is because I also feel a misplaced frustration in trying to keep this blog running. Am I writing this out of obligation, out of a year and half old promise to quit smoking, change my life around, reinvigorate my creative spirit? Am I doing this out of old archival, referential habit, cataloging the days that continue to pass with minimal significance? That idea frightens me the most.

I had hoped this blog would help me wrestle out foggy ideas nagging me; that it would be a springboard for creative, spiritual, entrepreneurial endeavors, but it feels like the synthesis isn't occurring.

Another thing nagging me is the urge to move. I feel very isolated in my living situation right now. With this weekend's passing of the San Diego International Comic-Con and the first Vid Con in L.A. I feel stupid for being stuck in this cardboard, cultureless town barely scraping a living. Despite being easier to make a dollar stretch here, there is no wealth here. There is no social or economic mobility. There is no cultural growth. There is no hunger for change here, and it makes me feel alone and sick to my stomach. No matter how many exursions I take, how much I try to tap into the quiet redemption of the alternative and underground subcultures here, I feel unnaturally constrained. Makes me want to blow all my obligations and just skip town. Is that doable? Where do you live? Why do you like it there? Or alternatively what makes you want to skip town?

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